I've recently been reading a magazine called Above Rubies, which is mainly about birth and raising children. One recent article was written by a woman who had 4 kids and she and her husband decided they were done so he got a vasectomy. A few years later all of her children were killed in an accident. She suddenly found herself wanting another child but couldn't and she realized how she had taken her fertility for granted. This story has stuck with me for a while...enter me.
After I had my second child, I was overwhelmed. I really didn't want another baby but there I was, pregnant for a third time. I cried a little wondering how I would ever manage three when I could hardly manage two. I came to grips with it all and was excited but still worried. Enter baby #3, Paul. He was just what I needed. His birth regulated my messed up hormones, his smiles delighted my heart and I was amazed! I could have never imagined that three kids would be easier for me and such a blessing. I started to think how I would not have chosen this but God knew better. Thanks God!
I was much more lax about a 4th baby, I mean, if God knew better with three, surely He'd know better with four. And it has been grand. Well, when you hit three and four kids, people start asking you how many kids you want. Me? I've always wanted 5. Yeah, I'm one kid away from being "done." There is a little hope for me! The light is at the end of the tunnel! Enter Genesis.
I cannot get over God's commands in Genesis to multiply and fill the Earth. He tells several people this. Why would He want that for His children? Has God ever told anyone NOT to have anymore kids? I didn't find that anywhere.
There were a few people I remember that did not trust God with their fertility and it didn't go so well. Sarah (Abraham's wife) gave him to her maid servant and Ishmael was born. He's the father of Islam, which had led generations of people away from The Lord.
How many kids do you WANT? In America, we act like we have this right to choose how many kids we want to have. The polite Christian way to say it is "We prayed about it and God says we are done. He knows we couldn't handle more." This has been my belief thus far. WE decide when we are done, after all, WE know ourselves best! Right...
Enter huge, ginormous wrestle with God. See, if you didn't know, having kids is HARD. I'm ready for some easy, ya know? I love babies, but I'm ready to get some sleep! Even as I read this, I realize how selfish I sound. I am all about me and my comfort and not about Gods plan. I mean, there are people who give up their actual life for the name of Christ. Maybe this is the American martyr...giving up our "freedom" to bring forth More children for Gods kingdom. Why were the Israelites so fertile?
I don't pretend to have fully embraced this logic. My spirit is still rebelling a little. The challenge is a great one and totally countercultural.
But do I want to go with the culture or with God? I do not want to have a lot of kids. I think the Duggars are cool but I just don't think I have it in me to have lots of kids. It's too much...for me to handle. But is it too great for God? If God asked me to have ten more kids, would I say yes? (Not that He is but...) Am I all in or not? Living a life of surrender means giving up the right to control my life and that includes my fertility. Oye.
I am not writing this to offend or convict anyone. I am writing this to help myself figure out this tugging in my heart. Your journey is your own. Seek Him first. Seek Him before your wants and visions of what you think your life should be.
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