How many kids do you want?

Disclaimer: What I am about to say is counter-cultural. It is going to be uncomfortable. I know this because it makes me uncomfortable.

I've recently been reading a magazine called Above Rubies, which is mainly about birth and raising children. One recent article was written by a woman who had 4 kids and she and her husband decided they were done so he got a vasectomy. A few years later all of her children were killed in an accident. She suddenly found herself wanting another child but couldn't and she realized how she had taken her fertility for granted. This story has stuck with me for a while...enter me. 

After I had my second child, I was overwhelmed. I really didn't want another baby but there I was, pregnant for a third time. I cried a little wondering how I would ever manage three when I could hardly manage two. I came to grips with it all and was excited but still worried. Enter baby #3, Paul. He was just what I needed. His birth regulated my messed up hormones, his smiles delighted my heart and I was amazed! I could have never imagined that  three kids would be easier for me and such a blessing. I started to think how I would not have chosen this but God knew better. Thanks God! 

I was much more lax about a 4th baby, I mean, if God knew better with three, surely He'd know better with four. And it has been grand. Well, when you hit three and four kids, people start asking you how many kids you want. Me? I've always wanted 5. Yeah, I'm one kid away from being "done." There is a little hope for me! The light is at the end of the tunnel! Enter Genesis.

I cannot get over God's commands in Genesis to multiply and fill the Earth. He tells several people this. Why would He want that for His children? Has God ever told anyone NOT to have anymore kids? I didn't find that anywhere.

There were a few people I remember that did not trust God with their fertility and it didn't go so well. Sarah (Abraham's wife) gave him to her maid servant and Ishmael was born. He's the father of Islam, which had led generations of people away from The Lord.

How many kids do you WANT? In America, we act like we have this right to choose how many kids we want to have. The polite Christian way to say it is "We prayed about it and God says we are done. He knows we couldn't handle more." This has been my belief thus far. WE decide when we are done, after all, WE know ourselves best! Right...

Enter huge, ginormous wrestle with God. See, if you didn't know, having kids is HARD. I'm ready for some easy, ya know? I love babies, but I'm ready to get some sleep! Even as I read this, I realize how selfish I sound. I am all about me and my comfort and not about Gods plan. I mean, there are people who give up their actual life for the name of Christ. Maybe this is the American martyr...giving up our "freedom" to bring forth More children for Gods kingdom. Why were the Israelites so fertile?

I don't pretend to have fully embraced this logic. My spirit is still rebelling a little. The challenge is a great one and totally countercultural.

But do I want to go with the culture or with God? I do not want to have a lot of kids. I think the Duggars are cool but I just don't think I have it in me to have lots of kids. It's too much...for me to handle. But is it too great for God? If God asked me to have ten more kids, would I say yes? (Not that He is but...) Am I all in or not? Living a life of surrender means giving up the right to control my life and that includes my fertility. Oye.

I am not writing this to offend or convict anyone. I am writing this to help myself figure out this tugging in my heart. Your journey is your own. Seek Him first. Seek Him before your wants and visions of what you think your life should be.

I'm back!

Well I finally decided to take the plunge and figure out how to blog from my phone. Since we lost our Internet many many months ago, I have a hard time blogging. I have wrestled with the thought, "who would want to read what I have to say anyway?" A friend wrote a statement on Facebook the other day that really hit me though, she said, (this is not a direct quote) "I'm not important." And she found freedom in that, like it took the pressure off her. But I sat there and thought, "but you are important, and so am I." The devil tries to make us believe that we are not important. Maybe it is the middle child in me but so often I don't feel worthy of others time. I feel as though I don't have anything of value to share with others, after all, I am just a simple black sheep. I don't go with the flow just because; I research and learn all I can before I go against the grain. In the end, I usually go against the grain and feel like an outcast.

God has been showing me that I am not as bad as I make myself out to be. The girls and I have been watching the movie "The Princess Diaries," lately and in it a nerdy girl finds out she is actually a princess and has to decide to accept the role or not. Nothing changed in her accept the perception of herself. Am I living as though I am a daughter of the King (a princess) or as some frumpy nerd? Some good wrestles lately.

Some of my friends have done the one word for the year for a while and I decided to start this year. My word is just for me though, not my whole family. My word is LESS. When it came to me in a quiet time, I thought, "well that is a strange one word." However, it is very fitting for where I am at in life. LESS of me. I think it was Paul that talked about how we need to become less and less so God can be more and more. I can't quite find the verse yet. God's been showing me that I need to back off. Ever since I've had kids, I've decided to take the reigns. Every now and then I will loosen my grip on the reigns for God but never totally give them over. I have felt this in my soul for a while but didn't know how to fix it. Well this is the year! Less of me making decisions, less of me worrying and fretting, less of me trying to control my world around me and more of God taking the lead. Less of my input and more praying for Gods input and wisdom.

Some of my practical LESS goals this year are as follows:

Physical-less of me physically (especially after just having a baby!) by training to run a 5k at the end of April-the maple syrup festival 5k! Anyone want to join?!

Spiritual-read thru the bible in a year. I've never done this before. Less time online, more time in the word.

Mental-read thru 6 books this year. Less time online, more time reading. 

When I want to relax and checkout, I'll watch a movie or go online. At some point though, those can become my comfort rather than the Lord and I run to them more and more and God less and less. I begin to check out of life. Time to check back in! Do you have a one word that guides you thru this next year?